Can’t even

Can’t even

What. An. Emotional. Rollercoaster. Today. Has. Been.

IMG_0353

This is Teddy.

I fell in love with Teddy today at the local Cattery where I volunteer every two weeks. He is 6 months old and wanted cuddles and purred like there is no tomorrow. So I got my hopes up and put him on hold and set my mind to selling him to mum and dad and I wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

What did they say? They said no.

So what did I do? I got upset and went into frenzy mode where I wasn’t thinking clearly and acted rash and was determined to have a future with this cat. I called up my grandparents to ask to move in with them with a cat.

The thing with my grandparents, well mostly my grandma, is that she is manipulative and void of all emotion, and is part of the reason that I have suffered depression the last 7 years.

After coming to my senses, well really after talking to mum, I realised that contacting my grandma about moving in with her was a super rash and stupid decision. All because I was focused on doing anything, anything at all, to get the cat Teddy. And could not accept the answer no. I didn’t think things through before calling her, and now I have to tell her tomorrow that I actually don’t want to move in with them.

Unfortunately, my mental issues make me feel super guilty beyond belief about anything wrong that I do, and I just want to dig myself a hole and lie in it and never come out again. It hasn’t happened for a while actually, which is what makes this even harder.

I blame Vian’s death really. Like I wouldn’t be in this emotional state if he hadn’t died two weeks ago, and I am grasping at anything to make me feel normal again. Including clinging onto the hope of having a cat. This cat, specifically.

I honestly hate feeling like this. I really do. And in reality it’s not even that bad, but I can’t help it. Like I even cleaned my room for this cat, and mum has been trying to get me to clean my room for years. I even vacuumed. And dusted.

But I guess it’s good in a way, I know that I am definitely not better like I thought I was. And I have a plan of where I want to be in a year. I want to be moved in with my partner, and have a ginger cat named Teddy. Be a family. Not be depressed. But for now, I have to get over the hurdle of letting my grandparents down after getting their hopes up.

What on earth have I gotten myself into?

-M

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